Yo. What’s good, fools. I’m Rafe Israel, and I’m the newest member of the LFG Sports writing staff. I thought I’d say what’s up and introduce myself real quick.
Where do I begin...
I was born on October 25th, 2001 at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, Calif—
Aw shit, my bad. I know that the name of the content game is to keep things concise and not to put your audience to sleep, so I’m gonna try my best to keep things short and sweet. I promise that I won’t tell you my whole life story. With that said, I’m more or less some average 20 year-old schmuck who has no clue what he’s doing right now. I barely know how to tie my shoes. #VelcroNation
Growing up, there wasn’t much that I excelled at. I was never drafted in the early rounds on the basketball court, the football field, shit, even the handball wall. I was never a star student, and I’ve never won employee of the month or gotten promoted at any of the jobs I’ve worked at. With the ladies, I’d strike out like Pedro Martinez was on the mound tossing heaters. I couldn’t win a game of Warzone if my life depended on it. When I dance it looks like I’m on the verge of a stroke. It wasn’t until 9th grade when I enrolled in a stand-up comedy class and was chosen to be the headliner of our culmination performance that I realized... I might actually be decent at something? It was the first time in my life I’d been the first pick in anything...ever. Making people laugh is the only thing that I consider myself not half bad at. Ever since that realization, I’ve been hoping that I can make a career out of bringing laughter to people’s lives. A man can dream, can’t he?
About a year ago, I pulled a one-and-done and dropped out of Syracuse University at the end of my first semester of freshman year. My favorite album is literally called The College Dropout, so I mean, what the fuck did you expect? School just isn’t for some people… I’m one of them. Once I shifted my focus to pursuing comedy, I definitely began to question what I had to gain from a college degree, and the conclusion I had reached was “not much.” I didn’t really know why I was there, or why my parents were draining their bank accounts for something I didn’t particularly care about. Too many expensive classes that taught me jack shit. Too many guys named Jack from Connecticut who play lacrosse and pop adderall like they’re Tic Tacs and their favorite movie is The Wolf of Wall Street. Too many girls with platinum blonde hair, spray tans, Canada Goose jackets, and daddy issues. Too many kids who tried to pretend that they were the coolest kids in their hometowns when they very clearly… were not. Too many times that they played this goddamn song:
(Look, I like this song. It doesn’t mean I have to hear it every 35 seconds.)
And most importantly, not enough good weed. Was my decision too impulsive? Only time will tell. I mean, it worked out for Yeezy, didn’t it?
Lastly, I live and breathe sports, and I’m guessing whoever’s reading this does as well. I wouldn’t be writing for this company if I didn’t. Despite being born and bred in Los Angeles, I am a die-hard Knicks, Mets, and Eagles fan. Yes, I am well aware that it’s a peculiar assortment. Get over it. Any time there’s a game on in my house, which is very, very frequently, my mom asks me something along the lines of, “Don’t you have other things you wanna do besides watch sports all day?” No mom, I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t have to explain to you why sports are so great, we all know why. They’re the greatest. Without sports, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Maybe I’d be a thriving rocket scientist? A violin prodigy? A Nobel Prize winner? Depressed? Dead? Still in college? Drowning in bad bitches?
Either way, I’m super stoked to be a member of the team. I feel like I just sniffed a smelling salt, chugged 6 Red Bulls, then snorted 8 lines of pure Colombian cocaine. I’m amped up. I think that I’ve gotten in on something that could be pretty damn special. So if you’ve stuck around till the end of this, thanks big dawg, I promise that you and I are in for one hell of a ride.
Buckle up, ladies and gentlemen. LFG.