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The Quintessential Sports Playlist



Music should accompany legitimately every facet of life. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I want My Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasy to be played at my funeral, and perhaps the birth of my child. It’s that serious. Sports are no exception to that. Music can accentuate the potency of certain feelings elicited by the games we love. It’s like pouring some THC oil on your blunt or dipping your Takis in hot sauce. It just gives things that extra umph. With that said, here are the best songs to listen to for the different moments you will surely endure as a sports fan:


Big Win: Hypnotize —The Notorious B.I.G.



Congrats, dawg. Your team just won the big game. Slap on this Biggie classic and throw some shades on, I dare you to not feel like a boss. It’s simply impossible. If you drove somewhere to watch the game, listen to this on full volume on your way home (if you’re sober) and try your

hardest to not break 100.


Tough Loss (Pessimistic Version): Yesterday The Beatles



Sorry, dawg. Your team just blew it. Happens to the best of ‘em. Lay in your bed, play this track, and reminisce about yesterday, when all your team's troubles seemed so far away. Or you could pull the glass half full card and play:


Tough Loss (Optimistic Version): Tomorrow Annie



Rather than dwelling on the past, you could have a brighter outlook and choose to shift your focus on a future that is hopefully more fruitful. Despite how awful the post-loss blues may feel, you can always remind yourself that the sun’ll come out tomorrow.


It’s Halftime and We Need Good Vibes: Three Little Birds Bob Marley



Maintaining positive vibes is a must for any fan. Call it false hope, call it a placebo, hell, call it a Belgian waffle for all I care, but the more good juju you can possess during a game, the better. Halftime is when the vibe situation can get a bit tricky. All momentum, good or bad, has been paused, and it’s up to you to put yourself in a good state of mind during the intermission. It’s like the moment right before a roller coaster drops where it slows down and stops for a second. You start to wonder, “Is this supposed to happen? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna make it to heaven? God dammit I should’ve just gone to the lazy river!” It is essential that you head into the second half with an optimistic mindset, and no track does that better than the Rasta master’s declaration that every little thing is gonna be alright.


My Bet Just Hit: C.R.E.A.M Wu-Tang Clan



There should be speakers on ATMs that play this song 24/7. Dolla dolla bills y'all.


My Bet Just Tanked: You Never Give Me Your Money The Beatles



(Yes, I used The Beatles twice. Boo-hoo. Sue me.)


Tough luck. You thought it was a lock. We’ve all been there. Sing this to your bookie, your sportsbook, the team that shat the bed, your friend who convinced you to hammer it, the random guy on Twitter who for some reason you thought was a gambling oracle… sing it to whoever wronged you. And when you listen to this as your mind is filled with regret and your bank account is filled with invoices, just remember how even Paul McCartney and John Lennon got the short end of the financial stick once upon a time.


My Team is Riding a Fat Win Streak: Another One Bites the Dust Queen



Need I say more?


In the Locker Room After a Win: Faneto Chief Keef



The banger of all bangers. The Mona Lisa of mosh pits. The undefeated, heavyweight champion of the bass bumping world. This trap anthem has probably caused more earthquakes than the San Andreas Fault, and has been played in just about every locker room in the country to induce a post-victory frenzy. There is no song more fitting to turn it up to 11 than this Chiraq classic… unless you’re in New Jersey. Just make sure you don’t hurt yourself while listening, I don’t want you to be out for the next game.


The Game Starts in 5 Minutes: Feeling Good Nina Simone



Gameday, baby. Spirits are high, drinks are poured, bets are in, TV is on, the couch is ready to acquaint itself with your butt, and we’re t-minus 5 minutes till kickoff/tipoff/faceoff (and if I forgot anything, fuckoff). Blast this on the speakers to remind yourself that whatever happened last week doesn’t matter anymore; it’s a new day, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new life. And you should be feeeeeeeeeeling good.


And last but not least…


When There’s No Sports On: All by Myself Eric Carmen



I wouldn’t wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. Taking sports away from me is like taking life support off of someone in hospice, I don’t know how I’ve lived through so many of those days. What do you want me to do, go outside?!? *scoffs*



And there you have it, folks. A score for your scores. Some call me the degenerate Hans Zimmer. When in need, just pull up this playlist. Whatever mood you may be in, fire away!


You’re welcome in advance.


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